Why It’s So Hard for Introverts to Allow Support (And How to Get Started)
How to
Allow Support
Have you ever tried to water a potted plant growing in parched soil?
You can pour and pour, but more often than not, the water just flows along the surface of the soil and down the sides of the pot, leaving the poor plant thirsty and dry and you with an overflowing drainage tray.
There’s a name for this: hydrophobicity.
It’s a well-known phenomenon in which soils that have dried out become difficult to rewet even when there’s abundant water to be had.
I can relate. I used to be that plant stuck in hydrophobic soil.
I’m sure I missed opportunities to receive life-giving support because the soil I had planted myself in had long ago become dry, cracked, and inhospitable.
So, unlike my houseplants, who can claim innocence, much of my lack of support was my own doing.
How Introvert Strengths Become Barriers to Support
Introverts are often independent, analytical, and private.
There are many times when these strengths are exactly the thing needed to not only survive, but excel.
Doubling down on your strengths allows you to feel more confident and self-assured. It lets you find that oh-so-valuable intrinsic motivation that leads to positive outcomes.
And when things don’t go as planned, leaning into your strengths helps you muster through with grace, even during the “dry spells” when you feel you’re on your own.
The risk is that you get used to putting your head down and pushing forward.
Solitary action becomes a habit, and self-reliance becomes a badge of honor.
Your mindset shifts from “I’m capable of taking care of myself when needed” to “It’s a sign of weakness if I accept support.”
You get used to living in a perpetual drought. Your soil becomes hard, crumbly, and encrusted.
Worse yet, when support is declined, others perceive it as a lack of need, or worse, dismissal.
You end up being like that houseplant, living in that encrusted soil that receives sporadic watering at best and can’t take in the water even when it comes.
Red Flags: When Self-Reliance Hurts More Than It Helps
Let’s bring this analogy into the real world.
What are the red flags that you’re using your strengths on overdrive and may be causing more harm than good?
I’ve listed common introvert strengths and the pitfalls associated with their overuse below:
*Introvert Strength: Self-regulation
*Signs of Overuse: Being tightly-wound, obsessiveness, need for control
*How It Hurts: Others are afraid to let you down or feel overwhelmed by your high standards
*Introvert Strength: Perseverance
*Signs of Overuse: Obsessiveness, stubbornness, fixating on things and not letting them go
*How It Hurts: Others may be afraid to get in your way and elect to stand clear
*Introvert Strength: Independence
*Signs of Overuse: Defaulting to a solo problem-solving style
*How It Hurts: You exhaust yourself with tasks that others could handle more efficiently; blind spots lead to misidentifying tasks that need outside input; others assume you don’t need help
*Introvert Strength: Discerning Communication
*Signs of Overuse: Extreme privacy; tendency toward an indirect or minimal communication style
*How It Hurts: Others may misinterpret your communication style and be unaware of your needs, despite being available for support
*Introvert Strength: High Standards
*Signs of Overuse: Difficulty appreciating help that doesn’t meet your specifications; viewing assistance as an admission of failure
*How It Hurts: Well-intentioned help from others gets critiqued or rejected; potential supporters feel dismissed or inadequate
*Introvert Strength: Empathy
*Signs of Overuse: You’re always the helper in relationships and are overly aware of others’ stress and workload
*How It Hurts: Relationships become one-sided; you automatically assume others don’t have the capacity to support you
*Introvert Strength: Deep Processing
*Signs of Overuse: Feeling compelled to consider every angle before speaking up; internal analysis of whether help is “really” needed
*How It Hurts: You struggle in silence when it’s not necessary; minor issues can snowball because they’re kept private
How Introverts Can Start Accepting Support
Much like soil that’s been dry for too long, it can be difficult to start allowing nourishing support.
Doing it on your own may be so deeply ingrained into your way of being that you’d rather flop over from dehydration than have to rely on others.
One of the most effective ways to rewet dry soil is to fully submerge the flower pot in a bucket of water until the soil is saturated.
So, let’s jump in!
Just kidding. I would never do that to you, dear introvert friend.
Let’s go slow and try trickling the help in, little by little, until allowing support feels as good as a cool drink of water on a hot summer day.
Before worrying about how and when to make a request, start out by practicing receptivity.
When someone compliments you, don’t deflect. Say “thank you.”
At first glance, this may seem unrelated to allowing support, but it’s establishing a vital foundation: learning to accept kindnesses offered.
Next, if you struggle with control, try letting go (just a little).
Brainstorm low-stakes situations in which you can let others take the reins.
This is especially important if you're someone who believes you must do things yourself to have them done "right." (Ask me how I know…..)
There’s something to be said for loosening your grip on the idea that there’s only one “right” way to do things.
For example, there’s probably not much to lose if you trust that your family member’s way of loading the dishwasher or folding towels doesn’t result in any lasting negative consequences.
Lean into your natural tendency to research.
If asking for help feels daunting, reframe your approach as simply gathering information.
Instead of requesting solutions, you can ask for information.
Again, asking about someone’s experience or opinion doesn’t obligate you to follow their recommendation. It does, however, give others an opportunity to contribute.
When help is offered, just say “yes.”
We’ve all heard the encouragement to just say “no,” but that works against you here.
Before “No thanks, I’ve got it” automatically flies out of your mouth, pause.
When a ready-made offer of help shows up in the form of “Can I help?” or “Let me know if you need anything,” it’s the perfect time to allow support.
You’re not imposing. You’re not showing weakness.
You’re accepting a gift that’s been freely offered.
Dip your toe into the waters of vulnerability.
Start naming your struggles or challenges.
This is a great way to ease yourself into acknowledging that you need (maybe even want!) help.
At first, it might feel uncomfortable just naming your troubles to yourself. Start there.
When you're ready, share your experience with someone. You can even let the person know you don't want advice or action.
This isn’t about solutions. It’s about presence.
Start to experience what it might feel like to be supported by another.
Create comfort by asking for help on your terms.
Now we’re getting to the ask.
Here, you know you need and want help, and you've overcome your intense desire to go it alone.
You don’t have to yell, “Help meeeeeee!” into the void and hope for the best.
I know you. You’ve probably already mulled over several strategies with contingency plans in your head.
What’s something specific and measurable you can ask for?
For example, “I could really use some help getting this paperwork organized and patient callbacks completed by the end of the day. Are you available?”
Specific requests are great for a couple of reasons:
First, you get the specific help you need because there's no guessing involved. Second, you give others a chance to gain your trust and dispel the idea that you're the only one you can count on.
Last but not least, allow the give and take of support to flow into your life.
If you’ve gotten this far, hopefully, asking for and allowing support doesn’t feel as scary anymore.
Once you’ve gotten here, support becomes a welcome dynamic in your life.
As you’ve tested the various ways you can allow support as described above, you’ve learned to acknowledge and welcome assistance. You’ve also figured out that asking for help is a power move, not a personal failing.
Even better, you’ve discovered that reaching out for a helping hand is just as satisfying as extending one.
Adding “Allows Support” to Your List of Strengths
No matter how independent we consider ourselves, the truth is we can’t go it alone.
We need nourishment from outside sources.
Like hydrophobic soil that’s been gently coaxed to hold water again, we can soften our protective barriers and allow support that helps us continue growing in the direction of our strengths.
Now it’s time to take action.
Pick a strategy from the list above and commit to trying it this week.
Your strengths got you this far. Imagine what will happen when you allow the support you deserve.
Want to learn more about introvert strengths and weaknesses in the healthcare setting?
Learn how to protect and support your energy for greater well-being with the Energy Management for Introverts in Healthcare guide.
You can access it for free here.
Ready for 1:1 support from someone who understands your introverted nature?
Learn more about working with me here.
Not quite ready for 1:1 support? Check out this self-directed resource.
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Charity is a physician and burnout coach helping introverts in healthcare escape feelings of apathy, irritability, and resentment brought on by the increasing demands and decreasing rewards of medicine.
She uses her 20 years of experience in clinical medicine combined with coaching to help introverts discover ways to be diligent, thoughtful clinicians while prioritizing their needs and protecting their energy. She wants you to know you don’t have to feel guilty for wanting a thriving life inside and outside of medicine.